


Blood on His Face, Flesh on His Tongue

by smarshtastic



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Blackwatch Era, Blackwatch Jesse McCree, Blackwatch Reaper | Gabriel Reyes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 08:23:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8883739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smarshtastic/pseuds/smarshtastic
Summary: Bang. The man’s head explodes and Jesse can feel the warm splatter across his face. Something soft lands in his tongue and he spits it out in horror. The man’s body collapses at Jesse’s feet, his head mostly gone, the red blood and glinting bone -___Jesse figures out the solution to his persistent nightmares.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fabrega](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabrega/gifts).



> I think it's worth noting that this is still [fabrega](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabrega/)'s fault. Also, all the Blackwatch OCs are hers and she is generous enough to let me continue to borrow them.
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](http://wictorwictor.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/smarshtastic).

Jesse volunteers to take the night watch again. Nobody objects - they’re all exhausted, eager to get into their sleeping bags and squeeze a few hours rest before they resume operations at first light. The mission had started out feeling like a lighthearted camping trip, but the novelty had worn off very quickly. Hardly anybody spoke as they pulled out their bedrolls and sleeping bags, clustering together for warmth in the cold desert night. Reyes gives Jesse a sideways look but doesn't say anything as he gets into his own sleeping bag. Jesse hunkers down on the edge of their campsite, hand on Peacekeeper and sharp eyes scanning the horizon from under the brim of his hat. He pulls his serape closer (he was surprised Reyes let him wear it) and settles in. 

The next morning, Jesse knows he has circles under his eyes but is as cheerful as ever, downing three cups of the awful instant coffee they brought along with barely a blink. Outwardly, he doesn't seem to be flagging, even after another arduous day tramping through the desert. That night, he even volunteers for the night watch again. Reyes puts his foot down this time. 

“No,” the commander says flatly. “That'd be three nights in a row, and we need you in your right mind.”

“But -” Jesse starts to protest. Reyes gives him a stern look. 

“Are you questioning your commanding officer?”

Jesse frowns. “No sir.”

“Then get some rest.”

Dread settles heavy in the pit of Jesse’s stomach. He unrolls his sleeping bag a little ways away from the rest of the team and slides in. He’ll be cold, but hopefully it'll keep him awake. He pulls his hat down over his face and folds his hands tightly over his chest. He might not be on night watch, but he sure as hell isn’t going to sleep either. 

The next morning, Jesse is bone tired. The effort of keeping his eyes open all night took its toll. He downs several cups of instant coffee but keeps going without complaint. He can feel Reyes’ eyes on him all day but he shrugs it off and presses on. Jesse’s had worse than this. He can keep going. 

The Blackwatch squad has a close call just as the sun is beginning to set. An ambush from a hidden gorge splits the team in uneven thirds and Jesse finds himself alone. His head feels heavy and his body sluggish. He should've known the land better; this is his territory after all. His gun hand shakes and he misses one, two, three shots before he even manages to clip his attacker. Reyes appears out of nowhere and dispatches the man with a shotgun shell to the back. Jesse stands rooted to the spot, Peacekeeper feeling too heavy in his hand. 

“Move, McCree,” Reyes barks. “We have to get back to the others and find a safe place to make camp.”

Dumbly, Jesse follows Reyes to regroup with the rest of the Blackwatch squad. No significant injuries - though Prithi has what looks like the beginnings of a black eye and a cut on her lip. 

“Can't stay here in case they send back up. Move out.”

There's some grumbling but they all fall in, Jesse bringing up the rear with Reyes. Neither of them say anything, but Jesse can feel his commander’s eyes on him again. Jesse concentrates on putting one foot in front of the other; it's too much brainpower to think and walk at the same time. He’s pretty sure he used to be better than this; he’d go days and days not sleeping with Deadlock. Why now, all of a sudden?

The sliver of moon is high in the night sky by the time Reyes allows the squad to make camp. Everyone is dead on their feet. 

“When we get back, I'm gonna sleep for days,” Edwards grumbles as he climbs into his sleeping bag. Jesse hesitates, fussing with his bedroll to waste time. He glances around. Everyone is already in their sleeping bags. 

“I’ll -” Jesse starts to say, but Reyes cuts him off. 

“I'm taking the night shift. If we get enough rest, we might be able to push all the way to the drop site tomorrow.”

Everyone falls asleep almost as soon as their heads hit the ground. Jesse is slower about it, more deliberate. The dread has settled in his stomach again. He knows without looking that Reyes is watching him. If he can get through tonight, Jesse can make it back to the base. At least there, nobody is watching him sleep. 

Exhaustion sweeps over his body as soon as he lies down. Jesse fights it. He's stayed awake for longer. He can do this, he can…

_ Bang _ . The man’s head explodes and Jesse can feel the warm splatter across his face. Something soft lands in his tongue and he spits it out in horror. The man’s body collapses at Jesse’s feet, his head mostly gone, the red blood and glinting bone -

Something is grabbing him. He struggles, reaching instinctively for Peacekeeper but it's not there. Panic rises with the bile in his throat. He throws a desperate punch. 

“McCree,” a voice growls in his ear. Jesse thrashes, but there's a hand at his shoulder, squeezing, pushing him down. 

“Lemme go!”

“ _ Jesse _ ,” the voice growls again and Jesse goes still. He knows that voice. The panic dissipates, only to be replaced by shame. He still tastes bile on the back of his tongue. Reyes is hovering over him, backlit by weak moonlight, brow furrowed. Jesse is breathing hard. Reyes hasn't let go of him. “Are you okay?”

Jesse wrenches away and Reyes lets him go this time, sitting back on his heels. Jesse sits up, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. Neither of them say anything. The desert is quiet. None of the other Blackwatch members seem to be awake. 

“Do you get nightmares often?” Reyes asks, voice low. Jesse drops his hands away from his face but doesn't look up. 

“Only every time I sleep.”

There's a long pause. 

“That wasn't in your psych report,” Reyes says finally. Jesse shrugs. He's sort of folding into himself, defensive. 

“I dunno.”

There's a not insignificant worry that this is going to be reported up the ladder, that this is going to affect his ability to continue to be on active duty with Blackwatch. His position on the squad has always felt tenuous to Jesse - whether it was true or not, it was constant, lingering fear in the back of his mind that Reyes or someone else would change their mind, reassign him - or worse. He’s under no illusions what would await him in prison; there’s enough of the old Deadlock crew to make it really bad for him. 

“Where's my gun?”

Reyes hands it over, handing the bullets over separately. “I thought you were gonna pull it on me,” he says by way of explanation. Jesse doesn't say anything, just carefully reloads his gun. Some of the anxiety in his chest eases with the familiar weight in his hands. The silence stretches on. 

“How do you keep going?” Reyes asks. There's a strange character to his voice. He sounds less like Jesse’s commanding officer and more… Concerned? Jesse wonders vaguely if it's a tactic to make him reveal something he normally wouldn't. He shrugs again. 

“Just do.”

“Jesse -” Reyes starts to say, then maybe thinks better of it. Jesse's back to staring resolutely at the ground between his feet. The commander calling him by his first name makes him feel strangely vulnerable, even though he wishes he'd hear it more. Just not in these circumstances. “You should try to get some rest at least.”

“I don't really think that's gonna happen now, sir.”

There's another long pause. 

“Sit up and keep watch with me, then.”

Jesse glances up at him, but Reyes is already moving away to the post at the edge of their camp. He hesitates before he gets up to join him. Reyes doesn't say anything as Jesse settles in next to him. They stay that way as the moon moves through the sky, not speaking, not moving. 

Jesse wakes up as the sky begins to lighten. He blinks, confused. His cheek is pressed against the shoulder buckle of Reyes’ tactical vest. He moves his eyes without moving his head to try to see Reyes’ face. His commander is watching the sun peek over the eastern horizon. 

“I didn't want to wake you,” Reyes says quietly. Jesse scrambles to sit upright, embarrassed. “You get some rest, McCree?”

“I - Yes sir.”

“Good,” Reyes says, standing. He’s not looking at Jesse. The shame and embarrassment is burning in the back of Jesse’s throat again. “Let’s wake the others.”

=-=-=

Back at the base, Jesse is on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop. Reyes doesn’t bring the whole thing up again, though; the debrief with the squad goes normally and neither Reyes or his squad mates say anything about Jesse having nightmares, about Jesse falling asleep on watch. Jesse is never called into psych or Morrison’s office. None of his orders change. Still, he doesn’t let his guard down; he knows that as soon as he does, he’ll lose it all. He’s too invested in doing good here to risk it. It's his only chance. 

Even so, he’s surprised when the next assignment comes through. Jesse figured that they were just going to unceremoniously bench him, that he’d never see the light of day again. But these were real orders. Jesse put on his Blackwatch uniform, holsters Peacekeeper, and heads down to meet the transport shuttle. The rest of the squad trickles in and they’re off - business as usual. Jesse fidgets in his seat while the others joke and rib on each other. His mind is elsewhere. 

“This better not be another week-long camping trip,” Edwards complains. 

“It could've been a lot worse,” Prithi points out. 

“My back will never be the same.”

“Getting old, Edwards?” 

“Shove it, Valdez!”

It's another long trek into hostile territory. They hit a weapons cache and dispense of it with well-practiced ease. It feels good. Jesse can almost forget about the coming night. With the taste of dynamite still on his tongue and adrenaline thrumming in his veins, Jesse and the others re-group to hike to the pick up zone. Extraction is scheduled for first light. There's a little cabin tucked into the mountainside. It's crowded, but they all squeeze in. The close proximity makes Jesse nervous. 

“What a shit hole,” Edwards comments, scuffing the dusty floor with his boot. 

“Seen worse,” Valdez says grimly. “At least we've got a roof.”

“McCree and I will take the night shift. Get some rest,” the commander says. He gestures to Jesse to join him at the only door at the front of the cabin as everyone claims a spot on the floor. Jesse hesitates a moment, but nobody seems to notice or question it. Reyes takes a seat on a bench on the little front porch, scooting over so Jesse has room too. 

“Sir?” Jesse asks, unsure. Reyes looks up at him, face unreadable. 

“Settle in, McCree.”

Jesse does so, trying to keep some space between he and Reyes. It's impossible; the bench is much too small. Their legs touch. Jesse tries not to think about it. They sit in silence, Reyes keeping a sharp eye on their surroundings. Jesse isn't sure how long they sit there, not saying anything. The moon is much higher in the sky by the time Reyes does speak. 

“After SEP, it was easier to deal with,” he says, his voice low. Jesse doesn't respond, sitting rigidly still even as he feels his heart rate pick up. “Whatever it was they gave us - it helps us deal. Doesn't make it all go away though. There's folks back at the base who help. If you want it. They know what it's like.”

Jesse doesn't say anything and Reyes doesn't press. The commander doesn't say anything else for the rest of the night. Jesse tries not to think about their proximity - it’s a necessity, really. It doesn't mean anything that their legs are pressed together. He’s painfully aware of how  _ warm _ Reyes is; the heat radiating off his body is seeping into Jesse’s skin. He swallows down the crush that's been burning in his chest for months and months. It's hard, though, when Reyes looks at him with concern and talks to him with a softness in a voice he's never heard him use elsewhere. He tries not to let the warm, gunpowdery scent coming off his commander do anything to his brain. Commanding officer, Jesse reminds himself for the umpteenth time. It is comforting, though. Familiar. Safe. 

The sound of the transport shuttle is what wakes him this time. He's slumped and drooling on Commander Reyes’ shoulder. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes to see the transport shuttle coming over the horizon. 

“Didn’t want to wake you,” Reyes says quietly. Jesse feels something clench around his heart. Reyes isn’t looking at him again, getting up and moving off to meet the shuttle. “Get the others. I’ll flag down the shuttle.”

Jesse does what he’s told, though he’s more than a little perplexed. Why did Reyes let him fall asleep? Jesse rouses the rest of the squad. They drag themselves up, sleepy and grumbling, and pile into the transport shuttle. Everyone settles in. Some of them fall asleep immediately. Jesse sits stiffly in his seat, sneaking glances at Reyes’ back as he leans over the pilot’s shoulder. He remembers how warm and comfortable he felt sitting next to his commander. Jesse doesn’t realize he’s staring at his back. After settling their coordinates, Reyes comes back to take a seat. His eyes slide to Jesse, who looks away quickly. 

It's a long shuttle ride back to the base and most everyone falls asleep again. Reyes debriefs everyone before he lets them go to get cleaned up and fed. Jesse lingers outside of the debriefing room. Reyes notices only after a few long moments. 

“You need something, McCree?” 

Jesse shuffles on the spot. He can feel Reyes’ eyes boring into him. 

“No sir,” he says, then stops. “Just -”

“Spit it out.”

Jesse huffs a breath out. “Just don’t understand why you let me fall asleep on watch, sir.”

Reyes’ expression doesn’t change. “You needed the sleep, I had a handle on it. It’s fine.”

“I don’t want you to think I’m not capable -”

“I don’t think that,” Reyes interrupts. “I want you in top shape. Catching a couple of hours of sleep when you can isn’t going to compromise a mission.”

“A couple of  _ hours _ ?” Jesse asks, incredulous. It couldn’t have been that long. He hasn’t had hours of continuous sleep in… Years. Reyes cocks an eyebrow at him. 

“It’s not a thing, McCree. Go get yourself cleaned up.”

Jesse turns and walks out of the debriefing room, confused. It doesn’t seem right but he can’t put a finger on why. He goes to take a long hot shower and find something to eat. Maybe Captain Amari has some chicken and rice on hand. 

=-=-=

Another day, another mission. It almost goes according to plan - except Reyes and Jesse get separated from the rest of the squad and they lose their comms in a scuffle with the hostiles. They’re deep in enemy territory with no good prospects. It’s freezing and the visibility is bad. They manage to find a safe spot in what looks like an abandoned shed. It’s secluded and mostly iced over. They’ll hunker down for the time being, at least until they can figure out a way out of here. 

“I’m going to get some sleep,” Reyes says. Jesse, peeking out through a boarded up window, turns back to blink at his commander. 

“Right now?”

“Even supersoldiers need sleep, McCree,” Reyes says dryly. “I don’t need much. Keep watch.”

“Yes sir.”

Reyes goes and sits down in a defensible corner, back against the wall. He pulls his beanie down over his eyes and folds his arms over his chest. His fingers brush the butt of his shotgun, poised to strike. He tucks his chin into his chest and doesn’t move for several minutes. It takes Jesse that long to realize he’s already asleep. 

Well, okay then. 

Sitting on a rickety crate, Jesse goes back to looking out between the slats across the window. It’s freezing and he misses his serape. His ankle is throbbing from when he rolled it as he and the commander got away from the hostiles. He’s tired too, but he can keep going. Reyes has let him sleep on missions enough times that Jesse feels obligated to return the favor. He does wish he had some coffee, though. 

The night stretches on, getting colder. It’s quiet outside of their makeshift safehouse. Jesse shifts to keep the weight off his bum ankle. He’s going to need Doc Z to take a look at that when he gets back to the base. Fareeha will like that - her crush on the doctor is pretty cute. Maybe he’ll make her come with him. It’s as good as an excuse as any. Better than ones she’ll come up with, anyway. 

Jesse’s eyes slide back to Reyes in the corner. The commander hasn’t moved. Jealousy flares in the pit of Jesse’s stomach briefly; if only he could sleep that easily, that well. He wonders vaguely if there’s any of that SEP stuff left hanging around somewhere. He’s pretty sure Deadlock got ahold of some at one point. He wouldn’t mind the possible side effects if it meant he could get some actual, honest to god sleep. 

Shivering, Jesse shifts again. His ankle is really starting to bother him. Jesse leans down and loosens the laces on his boot. He ties them back behind his heel, just in case he has to run all of a sudden - he’s no use if he’s tripping over himself. The relief is almost instantaneous. He breathes out, stretching his leg out in front of him. 

Reyes cries out. 

Jesse is on his feet in an instant (which only makes his ankle pull again,  _ damn it _ ). He’s crouching in front of Reyes before his brain catches up with what he’s doing. Reyes makes a small, distressed noise. Without thinking, Jesse touches his shoulder and shakes his commander. 

The shotgun presses hard against his throat. 

“Commander - it’s me - it’s Jesse -  _ McCree  _ -”

Reyes lifts his other hand to pull his beanie back. He blinks slowly at Jesse, then lowers his gun. 

“Sorry, kid,” he says gruffly, dropping his gaze away from Jesse’s face. He rubs a hand over his face. “I didn’t get you, did I?”

“No, it’s alright. I’m alright.”

Reyes gives Jesse a rueful smile that’s more of a grimace. “You remember what I said about SEP? Helps us deal, but it doesn’t all go away,” he says. He tugs off his beanie and runs his hands through his hair before pulling it back on his head. Jesse swallows. He wonders - not for the first time - what Reyes has seen. 

“I’m sorry,” he says after a moment of not really knowing what to say. Reyes looks at Jesse skeptically. 

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for.”

Jesse can think of about a thousand ways that Reyes is wrong, but he keeps his mouth shut. He shrugs. Reyes shakes his head. 

“Did you see anything out there?”

“No sir.”

“Right, well. You should try to get some shut eye yourself,” Reyes says. He stands, stretches. Jesse sits back on his heels. He winces at the strain on his ankle and sits down hard. If Reyes notices, he doesn’t say anything. 

“Don’t you want to get some more sleep? That was - it was hardly anything,” Jesse says. 

“It’s enough. SEP, remember?”

Jesse frowns, but, again, chooses to keep his mouth shut. “I dunno if I can.”

“Lie down and close your eyes then. We’ll need every bit we’ve got tomorrow, and it’s better if you’ve had some rest.”

Jesse is better at doing what he’s told these days, more or less. He takes Reyes’ spot in the corner and curls up on his side. He moves his gun just within reach and closes his eyes. He’s pretty sure he’s not actually going to get any sleep, but he might as well let Reyes think he has. The floorboards creak under Reyes’ boots as he moves to take Jesse’s spot by the boarded up window. It’s fucking freezing. Jesse starts counting coyotes - a suggestion from one of the Overwatch counselors (though, technically, they had specified sheep, but - if you asked Jesse - sheep were stupid). 

Jesse gets to a hundred coyotes before he gets bored. He shifts around, restless. This is pointless. It’s too cold. He tugs his hat down further over his face. Shifts again. Tries to get his ankle in a position that doesn't make it throb. Turns over on his other side. Adjusts his gun. 

Reyes lets out an exasperated sigh. 

“Do I need to sedate you?”

Jesse freezes. Slowly, he tips his hat back so he can look up at his commander. 

“I'm not a good sleeper.”

“Did you talk to anyone about that?”

Jesse makes a face. He had, but only because Reyes had suggested it. It had mostly been a useless endeavor; he didn’t want to talk about the Deadlock crap and he didn’t want any sleeping pills.

“Yeah. It didn’t really help.”

Reyes makes a little noise. “Get over here and make yourself useful, then.”

Jesse scrambles up and goes to join Reyes at the window. His ankle protests and he stumbles a little. Reyes eyes Jesse. 

“It's not bad,” Jesse says, catching the look. “Just a sprain, I think.”

“Sit, elevate it,” Reyes shifts over on the crate to make room for Jesse. He kicks over another broken crate as Jesse sits down next to him carefully. The crate creaks in protest. “Which leg is it?”

“Right.”

Before Jesse realizes what Reyes is doing, his commander has hauled Jesse’s leg up and set it on the other crate. He feels along Jesse’s leg, starting below the knee, then down and around his ankle, fingers brushing the part of Jesse’s foot that’s exposed by his open boot. It sends a shiver down his spine that Jesse can’t stop. Reyes glances up at him. 

“Okay?”

Jesse manages to nod, biting the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw blood. “Yeah - sorry. Hurts.”

“Well, it’s not broken,” Reyes says, leaning back. “Keep your leg up, though.”

Jesse nods again. It does feel better with his leg up. Reyes is sitting close - again, Jesse reminds himself, out of necessity - but he can feel how warm he is. He’s fucking freezing, so if he leans in a little to steal his heat, who can blame him? Reyes doesn’t move, at least. 

“So what are we gonna do?”

“Wait it out.”

“Here?” Jesse asks doubtfully, looking around the tiny shack. Reyes shrugs. 

“At least until morning.”

“And then what?”

Reyes gives Jesse a stern look. “Then we get out of here.”

“Well, yeah. But how?”

“Just leave that to me, McCree. You should actually try to get some rest.”

“I dunno about that one, sir.”

“Pretend, then. Better than you did before,” Reyes says. Jesse makes a face. 

“I’ll do my best, sir.”

They fall silent again. Reyes’ warmth is seeping into Jesse’s side. It’s pleasant; Jesse even stops shivering. He manages to forget about the throbbing in his ankle. He's comfortable here, with his commander. Jesse trusts Reyes in a way that is wholly unfamiliar to him. It's a little scary, sure, but having someone like Reyes has made this whole going legit thing easier. He closes his eyes, just for a moment, letting the warmth of Reyes’ body seep into his skin. 

A weight around his shoulders wakes Jesse. It takes him a moment to blink the sleep out of his eyes, and another to realize that Commander Reyes had wrapped an arm around Jesse. He turns his head a little, tilting it back to look up at Reyes. 

“Go back to sleep, Jesse.”

“Was I…?”

“Just go back to sleep.”

Jesse puts his head back down on Reyes’ shoulder and falls asleep almost immediately. 

Hours later, light peeks through the slats. Jesse shifts. His ankle still hurts, but he's warm at least. Reyes is breathing steadily, his arm still wrapped around Jesse’s shoulders. Jesse peeks up at Reyes. He's still asleep. He looks… oddly peaceful. Softer around the edges than Jesse’s ever seen him. He wants to reach out and touch his cheek, map the angle of his jaw, press a kiss to his lips. An ache settles in Jesse’s chest. He swallows it down, reminds himself of his position in Reyes’ life (rescue, subordinate, employee, etc.), reminds himself of the impossibility of acting on that desire. 

Reyes cracks open an eye and looks right at Jesse. He freezes, feeling exposed. He wants desperately to kiss him. Reyes searches Jesse’s face for a moment, brow furrowing slightly. He gives Jesse a little squeeze. 

“Okay?” Reyes asks. Jesse can feel his voice rumble through his chest. He wants to press closer and feel it in his bones. He nods instead. The corner of Reyes’ mouth twitches up - a small smile. “Good.”

=-=-=

Years later, Jesse still gets nightmares. Reyes was right; it never really goes away. But in the years between Jesse’s first months with Blackwatch and now, he's learned some things. 

He learned he can't fall asleep unless he feels totally safe. He learned that he feels totally safe with his commander. He learned that he loves his commander, desperately, totally, completely. 

He learned that  _ Gabe _ loves him too. 

That was the biggest surprise of all. Years of working side by side, close calls, wins and losses have all led to this moment: Tonight, there’s no mission, nothing to keep watch for. Jesse is tucked under Gabe’s arm, leeching his warmth, and neither of them are able to fall asleep. The night stretches on, moonlight falling across Gabe’s bed - which is just slightly too small for the two of them. Jesse presses his face against Gabe’s neck, breathing in the familiar smell.

“You never told me what you dream about,” Jesse mumbles, lips ghosting over Gabe’s skin. Gabe tilts his head into the gesture and lets his eyes slide closed. 

You don’t want to hear about it,” Gabe says. His hand is trailing down Jesse’s bare shoulders, down his back. It sends a shiver up his spine. 

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t,” Jesse says. Gabe makes a face. Jesse can feel it in his hair. He tips his head up to press a kiss to Gabe’s mouth. Gabe deepens the kiss, moving his hands up to cup Jesse’s face and bring him close. Jesse sighs into it. He shifts closer, half over Gabe’s body, greedy for the affection. “You’re tryin’ to distract me, darlin’.”

Gabe heaves a sigh and leans back, pushing some hair off Jesse’s forehead. He leans into the gesture, loves when Gabe pets him like that. “Is it working?”

“How about I tell you what I dream about, huh? Fair is fair.”

“Jesse…”

“No - listen. It’s better we talk about this shit, right? That’s what the doc says,” Jesse insists. He’s practically lying on top of Gabe at this point, looking down so his hair falls in Gabe’s face. Gabe blows a puff of air in Jesse’s face to try to get the hair out of his mouth. Jesse scrunches his face up. “We already can’t sleep. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“We trade nightmares?” Gabe says. Jesse rolls his eyes. He wiggles down so he can prop his chin on his hands on Gabe’s chest. 

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Look, Jesse -”

Jesse frowns then rolls off Gabe so he’s lying on his back next to him. There’s some things that Gabe won’t touch. He’s a private man, Jesse always knew that. He just thought that this would be different. 

“Alright. I get it,” he says, trying not to let the hurt come into his voice. After years of working side by side, Jesse thought they knew most of each other’s secrets. Maybe he was wrong. The old insecurities start to bubble to the surface. He bites down on the inside of his cheek and stares up at the ceiling. Gabe lets a breath out and turns on his side to face him. 

“It’s just… It’s a lot,” Gabe says. Jesse’s eyes slide sideways, looking at him without turning his head. 

“Yeah, I kinda figured.”

They fall silent for a while. Jesse resumes staring up at the ceiling and Gabe eventually lies back down. The night stretches on. 

“It’s mostly Deadlock shit, for me,” Jesse says eventually. He hears Gabe turn his head to look at him again, but Jesse keeps his eyes on the ceiling. “I mean, I was just a kid but I saw some shit, you know? So there was this one time - a gun run went wrong, ‘cause someone let slip some important intel. We got outta there, but they brought in the guy who ratted us out. Tied him to a chair. Made an example of him.”

Jesse stops, swallows thickly. He squeezes his eyes shut. 

“He was a kid too. I was fourteen, maybe fifteen, and he was only a year or two older than me. He thought he was gonna get a better deal elsewhere, get outta Deadlock, make a new life. But they - they didn’t take kindly to rats, you know?” Jesse stops again and forces himself to take a deep breath. His heart is pounding in his throat. “They tied him down. I think I said that already. They, uh. They made us watch the… the torture. So we knew exactly what would happen if we tried to turn our backs on Deadlock. I’d seen people get shot before but this - this was different. Getting shot is real quick - but this - this was slow. When they finally put a bullet in his head, there wasn’t much left of him. It still - I still - I -”

Jesse sucks in a wheezing breath. He can feel the warm blood on his face again, the soft tissue on his tongue, the bile rising in the back of his throat. 

Gabe grabs him up in his arms, pulling Jesse tightly to his chest. Jesse lets him pull him in, his shoulders shaking. He clings to him, presses his face against Gabe’s bare chest and breathes in, trying to steady himself. Gabe’s warm, familiar smell blots out the false tang of iron the memory brought up. He feels Gabe press a kiss to the top of his head. He lets Gabe hold him. They stay like that for a while. 

“I get those kinds of dreams too,” Gabe says softly, speaking into Jesse’s hair. He’s rubbing Jesse’s back in soothing circles. “Violent, bloody. Things I’ve lived and get to relive over and over. Those are bad ones.”

Jesse nods against Gabe’s chest but doesn’t lift his head. Gabe keeps holding him, keeps petting him. 

“I get other kinds too,” Gabe says after another moment. He speaks haltingly, like the words are unfamiliar coming out of his mouth. “Lots of it is just - helpless situations. Being misunderstood, not getting the right orders, or something happening that puts my team, my friends in danger. Dreams where I watch Ana, or Jack, or you get mowed down by the enemy and I can’t do anything to stop it - like you’re just out of my reach. I just watch you bleed out and die. And they feel so god damn  _ real _ because of that SEP crap.”

Gabe is pressing his fingers tightly against Jesse’s back. He doesn’t move, doesn’t want to stop Gabe from speaking. 

“The worst are the ones where someone dies and everyone thinks it’s my fault. That I’m capable of - That I did it,” Gabe says quietly. “I know I’m not the shining beacon of morality that Jack is, but I wouldn’t do something like that to my team.”

They both stay quiet for a few moments. Jesse finally peeks up at Gabe. 

“We’re pretty fucked up, huh?” 

Gabe blinks, lets out a little humorless laugh. “Yeah. Guess we are.”

Jesse squirms up again, plastering himself over Gabe’s chest so he can give him a sweet, soft kiss. Gabe breathes out against Jesse’s lips. He can feel the tension of Gabe’s body start to fade and soften. 

“I’m glad I have you,” he says against Gabe’s mouth. He presses another kiss to his lips as the corners turn up. Gabe wraps his arms tightly around Jesse, holding him flush against his own body. One of his hands sneaks up the back of Jesse’s neck and into his hair, petting the base of his head idly. 

“We got lucky, somehow, huh?”

“You can say that again,” Jesse nods solemnly. Gabe gives him a smile, an actual real smile that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle. Jesse loves that look, wishes he could see it all the time. The tightness in his own chest is melting away as Gabe’s smile warms him through. He kisses him again - he can’t help it. Gabe makes a pleased sound in his throat. 

“Think you can sleep now?” he asks, leaning up a little to chase Jesse’s lips. 

“Dunno, I reckon I might not be able to fall asleep for a while longer.”

“Mm, no?”

“Might have to tucker me out, you see,” Jesse says, raising his eyebrows. Gabe rolls his eyes, but he’s actually smiling. 

“Oh, do I?”

“Uh huh.”

Gabe rolls them easily, pinning Jesse to the bed. He looks down at Jesse with a brightness in his eyes that wasn’t there earlier, the pinch in his brow nearly gone completely. Jesse reaches up for him and pulls him down to kiss him breathless. He knew that Gabe would get him through this. 


End file.
